It was six summers back when I first saw her.
Six summers back when I fell in love.
It’s been six summers since that we have known each other.
It’s been a summer since I lost her.
You see when you love someone, as utterly and irrevocably that I loved this girl, you realise something-that though love is a beautiful emotion to behold, it’s not an easy one to handle.
It needs continuous work, continuous effort-and then you are expected to be aware that not only can the feeling not be mutual, but something much worse might happen.
Something as painful as losing the object of your deeply rooted affection.
But then, there is another dynamic to this situation which can leave you broken.
That you might loose said person after having known what their love for you felt like.
You think now, who is this girl she speaks of? What happened with her, between them?
To answer that I will have to digress a bit.
Have you ever heard of people “wearing their hearts on their sleeves”? Unfortunately, or fortunately, I am not one of those people. I keep my heart under the strongest, and the most intricate of locks. It might seem that it may have spared me many a heart aches but it does the exact opposite for although I don’t fall in love easily or quickly, but when I do love-I love wholly, completely and with every fiber of my soul. The phrase “my love is my life” comes to my mind and though it sounds cheesy, it’s true.
Proof of what I say? I have only really had three best friends in my life. This isn’t to say I haven’t got many friends, in fact I look at my closest ones and thank god for them every day. But for me to give any one the best friend status isn’t easy. Why? Because when I call someone so, I mean it. And I mean it only after I have handed over to them a part of my heart that can never be returned.
Which means that those parts of me are gone, I can’t hand them over again.
Now imagine having this piece taken from you with a flippant charm, cradled in front of you to the end of the world and then broken into tiny pieces without a backward glance.
What do you do? Where do you go to find that missing piece of yours?
No where, for it is beyond your reach now.
But even broken and shattered, with the scars bearing signs of what was and at the same time making it impossible to use the part in any way again-even so, this stupid heart of mine misses her. Misses the times I spent with this best friend, the laughs we shared , the talks we had, the memories we made. They are crystal clear in my mind.
Maybe too clear. I wish they had get hazy, I wish that part of me that I gave to her I could get back.
Or I wish that she had come back.
But that’s the thing about love, you can’t force anyone to feel it for you no matter how powerful your own emotions are. Love isn’t mutual till the other person tries.
Maybe I tried too hard. Maybe she didn’t try at all.
Maybe someday down the road we will fix this, maybe it’s not broken just bent.
But. I have to accept the status-quo for it’s been a year and these maybes are not turning into facts.
And they might just never. For now they have begun to feel like fantasies. They seem improbable.
However, no matter what, at least this whole scenario has taught me that love can be as bitter as it is sweet and the best way to enjoy it is to be patient.
I am an optimist, and I am loyal. So I will sit out this period silently till she finally realizes that she needs me. Or till my patience gets me some other reward, because love isn’t about my wants. Love is respecting the other’s beliefs and while doing so, you can either let your feelings run bitter or let them run their course.
I love her still, but that doesn’t mean I am falling all over her begging her to come back.
It only means that if ever she turns back with a softly whispered “Sorry”, I will smile and say it’s ok.